"Many sufferings can assault a person, and worldly wisdom knows many remedies in defense. But all these remedies have the dismal quality that they save the body but kill the soul. They invigorate the body but deaden the spirit."
-Soren Kierkegaard
I'm moving slower
I take a little longer
But I'm healing deeper
I'm feeling stronger
And it's tearing down defenses
And opening my senses
To the wonder of a Lover
Crying out
- Jason Upton, "Where Fools Turn to Gold"
Funny things start to happen when you are suddenly surrounded by people of like heart.
When a soldier who has spent his whole life on an outpost gets relocated to the central headquarters, he suddenly looks around and notices that he is not the only man who can shoot a gun, scale a wall, or travel through the jungle without a sound.
Back in Oxford, I wouldn't have said that I attached much of my value or identity to my spiritual gifts. I had already learned that lesson years ago - actually I had learned it a few times. God doesn't love me because of what I do, but because of who I am. Christianity 101. But now that I'm surrounded here by literally hundreds of other "prophetic-intercessor-worship-people," I'm feeling a little lost in the crowd. You see, around here it is not a unique thing at all to have a prayer life. It is not a unique thing to have prophetic insight in and around your life. It's not an unusual thing to know the scriptures really well. It's not even unique to be truly passionate in loving other people.
I didn't realize how much these qualities still mattered to me until I found myself in a place where they're not special anymore. I am no longer one of a handful of intercessors - I am one in a thousand - literally.
What happens naturally for me is that the walls start to go up. I start to rationalize my spirituality. I start to play games of criticizing and fault-finding in others. I suddenly want to do different things and go different places than everyone else. I begin to grab onto anything to set me apart from the nameless and faceless crowd.
I'm different, you know.
The problem with this defensive posture is that it "saves the body but kills the soul." There is a cost to self preservation - a high cost. It's been a battle against rejection and insecurity since coming here, and the only way to fight is to put down my weapons - to abandon my attempts to defend myself.
My prayer is that the Lord would tear down my defenses - that he would quiet that ravenous desire in me to somehow separate myself - whether it looks like lifting myself up or pushing others down. Both come at a cost, and it's not worth it.
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"I didn't realize how much these qualities still mattered to me until I found myself in a place where they're not special anymore. ...
What happens naturally for me is that the walls start to go up. I start to rationalize my spirituality. I start to play games of criticizing and fault-finding in others. I suddenly want to do different things and go different places than everyone else. I begin to grab onto anything to set me apart from the nameless and faceless crowd."
Haha! Exactly! Bethany and I went through the same thing. After a while though, you start to lose the need to be defensive because you feel more secure about who you are, knowing that there are many more in the same boat, as you interact with them on a daily basis. It really is freeing.
And remember, the goal will ultimately probably be to go where there is NOBODY like you, and share your life with them so they can catch it. Only now, after spending all that time in the furnace with other like-minded people, you don't have those hidden defenses anymore, and what shows up is much more real.
Anyway, that's my theory, we'll see how it goes.
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